Noah Could Never Read online

  For Mum

  Contents

  Cover

  Dedication

  Chapter One

  Chapter Two

  Chapter Three

  Chapter Four

  Chapter Five

  Chapter Six

  Chapter Seven

  Chapter Eight

  Chapter Nine

  Chapter Ten

  Chapter Eleven

  Chapter Twelve

  Chapter Thirteen

  Chapter Fourteen

  Chapter Fifteen

  Chapter Sixteen

  Chapter Seventeen

  Chapter Eighteen

  Chapter Nineteen

  Chapter Twenty

  Chapter Twenty-One

  Chapter Twenty-Two

  Chapter Twenty-Three

  Chapter Twenty-Four

  Chapter Twenty-Five

  Chapter Twenty-Six

  Chapter Twenty-Seven

  Chapter Twenty-Eight

  Chapter Twenty-Nine

  Chapter Thirty

  Chapter Thirty-One

  Chapter Thirty-Two

  Chapter Thirty-Three

  Chapter Thirty-Four

  Chapter Thirty-Five

  Chapter Thirty-Six

  Chapter Thirty-Seven

  Chapter Thirty-Eight

  Chapter Thirty-Nine

  Chapter Forty

  Chapter Forty-One

  Chapter Forty-Two

  Chapter Forty-Three

  Chapter Forty-Four

  Chapter Forty-Five

  Chapter Forty-Six

  Chapter Forty-Seven

  Chapter Forty-Eight

  Chapter Forty-Nine

  Chapter Fifty

  Chapter Fifty-One

  Acknowledgments

  Copyright

  CHAPTER

  ONE

  “Uh, uh, uh, uh…”

  “Come on, come on … that’s it…”

  “Uh, uh, uh, oh… Oh, oh, oh…”

  “Harder! Harder!”

  “Ah, ah, ah, ah…”

  “YEAH!”

  “AH! AH! AH! AH!”

  “OH YES! OH YES!”

  “AH! UH! AH! ARGHHHHHHH!”

  “YEEEEAAAAHHHHH!”

  “AHHHHHHHHHH!”

  “HELL YEAH!”

  Noah sat frozen in the reception area of ActiveFit health club, staring in unmitigated terror towards whatever depravity was taking place in the gym itself. The only noises Noah had previously associated with any form of physical exercise were the words “No, I’m not doing it”, “I’m not kicking that” and “I can’t, I’ve hurt my shoulder.” But these noises were different. Yes, they were sounds of pain. But a sort of pleasure-pain. Almost like … like the person making the noises wanted to be in searing agony. Like they were enjoying it.

  Noah squirmed, sat on his hands and averted his eyes as two women, clad in spandex running tights, Asics trainers and sports tops walked across the foyer, their cheeks glowing, laughing and appearing generally fit, healthy and happy.

  Noah, and Noah’s life, was the antithesis of everything and everyone here.

  He should probably go home. He couldn’t go home.

  He had to go through with this.

  Because he couldn’t unsee what he’d seen.

  Noah wished he’d never clicked on that gay website’s listicle, “Top 25 Christmas Gifts for Your BF”. He’d subsequently fallen into a wormhole of washboard abs, perfect pecs, and frankly alarming information about “male grooming” that seemed to largely suggest removing all your pubic hair.

  Was this what gay guys did? Was this the reality he must now embrace? More importantly, was this what Harry would want Noah to be?

  Noah was already painfully aware that Harry was, in every respect he could think of, perfect. Harry’s height and weight were the perfect ratio, definitely falling into the “normal” shading on one of those puberty growth charts. And he was pretty sure that Harry wasn’t working out in secret, yet he still managed to have muscle tone and definition. Noah had seen for himself, during a fraught ten minutes helping Harry struggle out of a polo shirt that was too small for him, something that looked distinctly like some form of abs. Just above the waistband of his boxers. Noah instinctively reached out to feel, to see if those formations were real, but just before contact he remembered himself and sprang back, as if he’d touched a hot stove.

  And thank heavens! If he’d touched Harry there, it could totally have unleashed a sequence of events that might have resulted in Noah being expected to disrobe and BE NAKED.

  In the two months since Harry had officially become Noah’s “bae” (as popular culture would have it), Noah had managed to avoid this dreaded scenario. Sure, there had been assorted kissing, which had been very agreeable, and there had been a certain amount of low-level rubbing and stroking through clothes, which had once made Harry make a noise not dissimilar to those emanating from the gym right now, and once made Noah go, “Hahahaha – oh – wooooow, that tickles, nooooo! Stop! No, seriously, STOP. That’s enough. Thank you. Oh. Oh dear.” So, there had been that, but nothing else.

  Noah had happily avoided further friskiness because of, well, the Christmas season. It’s a time for family and children and candles, not bow chicka wah wah, because what would the little baby Jesus say?

  And mock exams! The rigor of Noah’s revision schedule would put Russian gymnasts to shame, and it had been planned long – long! – before getting together with Harry. He also had a v important speech to prepare, and that took, well, ages. So of course he didn’t have time for bow chicka wah wah – only a cinema trip, perhaps, and some walks in the park to feed the ducks, and maybe sit on a bench there for a bit.

  But who was Noah kidding? Even just thinking about it made the hair on the back of his neck stand on end and his stomach do little flips. Best friends for ever, sure. And holding hands, kissing … those things were great! But other stuff? It was SO WEIRD. And if it went wrong, everything would be screwed up. “Let’s just be friends,” people would say, before never speaking again and slagging each other off to their other friends. Noah didn’t really have any other friends. At best, he could phone his ex, Sophie, in glamorous Milton Keynes, but she wouldn’t put up with him saying bad stuff about Haz … or, if truth be told, put up with him ever describing her as an ex. They may have shared an experimental kiss, and he may have nearly pissed himself in front of her, but those two things didn’t add up to a relationship.

  Anyway! He couldn’t imagine saying anything bad about Haz. Noah wanted Harry. He loved Harry. But what if, after trying to do stuff, it was so bloody bad, Harry realized he didn’t want Noah? Noah could possibly deal with losing a boyfriend. He’d seen people handle it in films by eating large tubs of Häagen-Dazs and curling up on sofas under duvets – no problems there, and in some respects, quite appealing. But losing his friend?

  Harry, bless him, was respectful of Noah’s need to revise as per the planned schedule and didn’t try to interfere. But now, here they were in late January, mocks were over, spring would soon be upon them and … the sap would be rising. Noah could only hold off the inevitable for so long.

  And so, he had decided to take positive action! Noah Grimes would join the local gymnasium, work out, and become the sort of boy who was confident to whip off his boxers and say, “Come and get me, tiger! GRRRRRRR!” (He had already practised the growl, and it was really good, and v sexy, so he was halfway there, really.)

  Determined to get a head start on the exciting “new him”, Noah had booked a complimentary induction session with a personal trainer – or “PT”, as they were known in the biz. A PT! For him! He was just like a Hollywood star, working out with his PT, like some sort of—
/>
  “Noah! Dude! What are the chances?!”

  Noah’s stomach sank.

  It couldn’t be.

  Shit.

  He narrowed his eyes at the muscular Adonis standing before him, wearing a T-shirt which bore the legend “Personal Trainer”. “Josh,” he said. “Fancy seeing you here.”

  “Well, I work part-time here, so you’ll probably see me a fair bit now you’ve signed up.” Josh grabbed his right foot, stretching his leg back, whilst remaining balanced on his left, like some sort of Cirque du Soleil contortionist or something.

  Noah considered his options because NO WAY was this happening. “Oh! You work at the osteopath’s now?” he said, knowing even by his standards this was going to be a lame-arse excuse. Desperate times.

  “Funny, dude,” Josh grinned. “This is a gym, and I think you know that.”

  “Gym?” Noah said. “Oh dear, how embarrassing. I’m in quite the wrong place. I thought this was the osteopath’s. I’ve slipped a disc, you see, probably from lifting all those textbooks and…” Stop talking, get up and leave! “Never mind, I’ll just go and—”

  “Always go to the osteopath in your PE kit, yeah?” Josh raised his eyebrows, and folded his beefy arms across his bulky chest.

  “Look!” Noah hissed. “I’m sorry, no, I don’t have Adidas trainers, or Nike trackie bottoms, or a Le Coq Sportif T-shirt, or a Puma water bottle, or a Reebok sweat towel, or a—”

  “Mate, let’s just train. The kit doesn’t matter and the rest … it’s all water under the bridge, yeah?”

  Noah glared at him. By “the rest”, Josh was presumably referring to the small matter that he had spent a couple of ill-advised weeks SHAGGING NOAH’S MUM. An appalling act of selfishness, foulness and betrayal, now relegated to just being liquid under some proverbial bridge, even though it was about the worst thing to have ever happened to Noah. “Josh, I am still reeling from the events of last year,” Noah said. “It has taken months to piece my life back together.”

  Josh put a heavy hand on Noah’s shoulder. “I’m sorry, Noah, all right? Bro? I am sorry. I never meant to hurt you. You’re all right.”

  “Well,” Noah said, feeling the heft of that muscular hand and rather liking the fact that he was considered “all right” by a nineteen-year-old who happened to look great in gym shorts. “Thank you.”

  “I messed up, I admit that,” Josh said, running his hand through his slicked-back hair. “But you gotta believe me when I say, I’ve changed. I’ve grown up a lot in the last couple of months. Now I have Jess, and the baby coming, it’s made me reassess my priorities. What I want out of life. I’ve knocked the uni idea on the head for now, and I’m working here. Earn some money and I can work towards a diploma too in a year’s time. Be great if I had a few more clients, though,” he said, looking hopefully at Noah.

  “Look, I’m really not—”

  “We can have you looking buff in no time, mate.”

  “Wha— Really? You think… Are you sure?”

  “Totes. Little bit of cardio, work on those arms, legs…”

  “I don’t want to look like a bodybuilder,” Noah said. “That would be ridiculous. But … maybe like a footballer.”

  “Yeah, yeah, get a nice bod, ready for summer. All the boys will be beating a path to your door!”

  “Boys…” Noah sniggered, “… my … door. And you can… Those things are possible, you say?”

  “Dude. It’s what I do. If you’re committed, it’s possible. What the mind wants –” Josh tapped his finger on the side of Noah’s head “– the body gets. You get me?”

  Noah chewed his lip. “I have a Kangol headband – shall I put it on?”

  “Go for it.”

  CHAPTER

  TWO

  Noah was wide-eyed and quivering as Josh led him through the main part of the gym, with its contraptions, racks and stocks. A gigantic beast of a man, entirely made of muscles except for incredibly small hands, feet and a pin-like head, bellowed and roared as he heaved vast weights above his head, before crashing them back down on the floor with an almighty smash.

  “GRRRRAAAAWWWGGHHHHH!” the big man boomed.

  Noah rolled his eyes. Why did people who lifted weights have to make so much goddam noise? Sure, it took effort, but so did lots of things. Noah didn’t roar every time he worked out the angles of a parallelogram.

  They arrived on some exercise mats in the far corner and Josh slapped Noah on the back. “All right, bud, let’s get you warmed up first and see what we’re dealing with. We’re gonna do some burpees.”

  Noah frowned at Josh. “I’m not an infant, you know.”

  “Just watch,” Josh said, squatting down. “You begin in a standing position, then drop down to a squat, kick your feet back into a plank while keeping your arms extended, then return your feet to the squat position and stand up into a jump on the final count. Got it?”

  Noah looked at him blankly.

  “Noah?”

  “What was the first bit?”

  “Standing. Like you’re standing now.”

  “Then…”

  “Drop into a squat,” Josh said, demonstrating, his impressive thigh muscles bulging as he did so. “And into a plank.”

  “Plank,” Noah repeated, trying to get used to this new word. “Plank.”

  “This is a plank,” Josh said, effortlessly kicking himself back into one. “See?”

  “Plank.”

  “Plank. That’s right.”

  “And then up again into a star jump?” Noah said.

  “No,” Josh said, patiently. “Back to the squat, then up to standing, finishing with just a jump. Not a star jump. Then you repeat the whole thing again.”

  “Wait. What do you mean?”

  “That’s just one rep. You’re gonna do at least ten of these mofos, maybe more if you can.”

  “Surely one is enough, no?” Noah said. “How will I have enough energy for more?”

  “Bro, you’re young, you’re… Well, you’re young, innit? ’Course you’ll have energy. You’re reaching your peak physical condition at sixteen!”

  Noah swallowed as panic welled in his stomach. Shit. Was this as good as it was going to get? After sixteen, was it basically a steady decline towards arthritis, mobility scooters and the grave? Sodding hell.

  Josh slapped him on the back again. “Sixteen’s the age, man! Peak physical and sexual condition at sixteen!”

  Noah’s eyes widened. Oh great. So he was now also at the age when he should be having the best sex and it would only get shitter and shitter from here on in. The clock was ticking and he hadn’t got anywhere near doing it yet, and soon it would all be too late and he would only ever experience a skinny, runty body with saggy bits and crap, disappointing, flaccid sex, if he could ever get his head around engaging in any at all.

  “Off you go,” Josh encouraged him. “I’m gonna count your reps, and you’re gonna keep going for as long as you can.”

  Noah chewed his lip. “Josh, can I just ascertain – are you first-aid trained?”

  Josh nodded. “Basic level, yeah.”

  “What’s that, just putting on a plaster?”

  “My manager’s done the full course and he’s on duty now, so no worries.”

  Noah nodded. “OK. And is there a defibrillator on the premises?”

  “Don’t worry, Noah,” Josh smirked. “If you collapse, I will personally give you the kiss of life.”

  Noah’s face grew hot. With the antics Josh had engaged in with Noah’s own mother, that was basically like suggesting incest. It would be wrong. Very wrong…

  Anyhoo, he supposed he should at least give all this a jolly good try. After all, if he was going to be confident enough to do things with Haz, he needed to be confident in his own body. He was already in peak mental condition, he just needed the other departments to catch up, really. And then everything would be perfect and nice.

  He could do this.

  “Count me in, then,”
Noah said, shifting about on his feet in readiness.

  “What do you mean, count you in?” Josh frowned.

  “You know, like ‘a five, six, seven, eight!’”

  “It’s not a dance routine!” Josh looked at an expectant Noah, and sighed. Then he glanced around, and said, “Fine. A five, six, seven, eight!”

  Noah dropped down into a squat, thrust his legs back into a plank. “Now what?!” he squealed.

  “Back into the squat!”

  Noah thrust forward back to a squat.

  “Up and jump!” Josh barked, like some sort of VILE ARMY MAJOR. “Lift your feet higher! Stretch the arms!”

  Noah’s wheezy chest tightened, as he sank back down into the squat position, his heart pounding, ears ringing, kick back into … plank … gasp for … squat now … and … UP into the air … air … need more air…

  “BACK INTO THE SQUAT! PUSH, NOAH! PUSH!”

  Push indeed! He wasn’t giving birth, he was … squatting … the mat was moving … spinning … vision blurred now, but OK … push … into … gasp for … need oxygen … heart … POUND PUMP … plank … into … p-l-a—

  SMACK! He collapsed face down on to the mat, spasming like a dying fish. He hoped whoever was in charge of the defibrillator would bring it quickly. Was that an ambulance siren he could hear, or just the ringing in his ears?

  Noah felt a gentle pressure on his stomach, slowly opening an eye to see one of Josh’s Nike Airs nudging him. “Up! Up you get, Noah! C’mon! Back on your feet, work through the pain, you need to FINISH STRONG!”

  Finish strong? What the hell was this utter bullshit? He had nearly died! He was actually nearly dead!

  “Right!” he said, scrambling to his feet, suddenly powered by raw indignation. “That’s it! No! I don’t care!”

  Noah ripped the Kangol headband off, hurled it in a nearby bin and strode off towards the exit.

  Josh grabbed a rucksack from the floor and hurried after him. “Bro! Mate!”

  “I’m exhausted, Josh!” Noah said, wiping the sweat from his brow. “You’ve pushed me too far and now I’ve hurt my … nose a bit. On the mat. Very dangerous. I could probably sue.”

  “You didn’t even complete one full set, mate!”

  “No, Josh. No, I didn’t, because it was too difficult! You made me do an advanced exercise that’s probably for top athletes and now I’ve hurt myself and I look foolish. I’m going. Don’t try to stop me. I hate this gymnasium. It’s stupid and it’s full of stupid people with NO BRAINS!”